I know very much how you feel... I have been struggling on and off for the past year with feelings of inadequacy, resentment, and insufficiency. I have felt trapped, in physical pain, emotionally drained, and depressed in every way possible. I have laid awake at night sometimes wishing I wouldn't wake up. This time right out of college has been really hard. It is only recently that I have begun to accept where I am now. We both, I think, had such high aspirations, dreams of what we could become. I mean, I wanted to be an actress...That didn't exactly come to fruition. I have hated myself for my choices, feeling like I have destroyed who I could have been. I have recently decided to accept my lot and pursue greatness within the realm of the big choices I have made. I was so mad at myself and at Kevin for so long because the love I have for him took my attentions away from becoming truly "great," or at least what I thought was great. I am beginning to see myself differently.
I am beginning to see myself through his eyes, through his love, through the love of my parents, the kids at the church, the families I help at the shelter, through my bosses, through my little sister.
I suggest you do the same. I think you are better than the thoughts you are having. I know I set myself up for failure. I blamed myself, Kevin, my family, my circumstances for what I chose. But in all honesty, blame shouldn't even come into the picture. We make choices and they lead us down different paths. I chose to be a wife. I knew where that would put me, I knew that it wouldn't be easy and there are some days when I am ready to run out of suburbia screaming at the top of my lungs! I want you to know that you are not alone. I never imagined I would be where I am now, just as I am sure, you never imagined where you are now.
I want you to know how much I respect you. I think you are a true artist. You know how to write (not too many can say that). Your words are art, Amanda. Do you realize that?
It is so funny and a little ironic, because I was always so jealous of your height, your tan, your hair. You are gorgeous Amanda...you must know that. But leaving that aside; you are brilliant. You have what it takes to go very, very far. You can do great things. I really believe that. Plus, you are my favorite ice cream buddy. :-)
I too, have stood in front of my mirror, analyzing every piece of fat, cellulite, every freckle or blemish. I stand there wondering what Kevin sees in me, how I got stuck in this physical and emotional rut. It isn't easy...but there is light at the end of the tunnel. You just have to practice being happy. It is not a sedentary sport either, it is active, engaging. You are at constant odds with your "innards," as it were. You cannot allow your emotions (those tricky little bastards) to control you. You must look in that mirror and say, "I love myself," even if you don't yet believe it, because one day, you will believe it and that is the day when you will take your next step toward true happiness. That is the day when you step into the light and realize that you are worth something, that you can conquer any interview, that you will succeed, even if you aren't doing exactly what you envisioned you would do when you were 16.
There are days when I still want to crawl out of my skin, where I just want to run away and join the circus, leave it all behind. I do not promote lying to yourself. Be real, accept your limitations, accept your fears, but don't allow them to control you. Remember what you are good at: start writing more, start crafting more, listen to more music, masturbate more, eat the foods you love, hang out with your girlfriends more, have more sex. Do whatever it was that made you happy before, even if you don't feel the same way about it now. I say this because, for me it is not a lie, it is a reintroduction to yourself, what makes you, you. What used to make you feel the most at peace. Because, eventually it will do it again.
When you get a chance, stand in front of your mirror and look at your face, your eyes, your hair and say thank you... to no one in particular. You can thank God, your parents, or even yourself for making you. We are at a point in our lives when we must learn to appreciate ourselves.
I just want you to know that I appreciate you. I also agree with Sophie, come on home, girl. Call me sometime. Let's get ice cream: 601-832-03550
P.S. Just realized how long that was! I'm sorry...Damn!
My comment was longer that your whole post. Well, I guess I just want you to know that you are not alone, that I am a recovering "me-hater." If you ever need anything, or just want to talk... please don't hesitate to call. We should talk more.
<3 Get your butt to Jackson ASAP.
ReplyDeleteAmanda,
ReplyDeleteI know very much how you feel... I have been struggling on and off for the past year with feelings of inadequacy, resentment, and insufficiency. I have felt trapped, in physical pain, emotionally drained, and depressed in every way possible. I have laid awake at night sometimes wishing I wouldn't wake up. This time right out of college has been really hard. It is only recently that I have begun to accept where I am now. We both, I think, had such high aspirations, dreams of what we could become. I mean, I wanted to be an actress...That didn't exactly come to fruition. I have hated myself for my choices, feeling like I have destroyed who I could have been. I have recently decided to accept my lot and pursue greatness within the realm of the big choices I have made. I was so mad at myself and at Kevin for so long because the love I have for him took my attentions away from becoming truly "great," or at least what I thought was great. I am beginning to see myself differently.
I am beginning to see myself through his eyes, through his love, through the love of my parents, the kids at the church, the families I help at the shelter, through my bosses, through my little sister.
I suggest you do the same. I think you are better than the thoughts you are having. I know I set myself up for failure. I blamed myself, Kevin, my family, my circumstances for what I chose. But in all honesty, blame shouldn't even come into the picture. We make choices and they lead us down different paths. I chose to be a wife. I knew where that would put me, I knew that it wouldn't be easy and there are some days when I am ready to run out of suburbia screaming at the top of my lungs! I want you to know that you are not alone. I never imagined I would be where I am now, just as I am sure, you never imagined where you are now.
I want you to know how much I respect you. I think you are a true artist. You know how to write (not too many can say that). Your words are art, Amanda. Do you realize that?
It is so funny and a little ironic, because I was always so jealous of your height, your tan, your hair. You are gorgeous Amanda...you must know that. But leaving that aside; you are brilliant. You have what it takes to go very, very far. You can do great things. I really believe that. Plus, you are my favorite ice cream buddy. :-)
I too, have stood in front of my mirror, analyzing every piece of fat, cellulite, every freckle or blemish. I stand there wondering what Kevin sees in me, how I got stuck in this physical and emotional rut. It isn't easy...but there is light at the end of the tunnel. You just have to practice being happy. It is not a sedentary sport either, it is active, engaging. You are at constant odds with your "innards," as it were. You cannot allow your emotions (those tricky little bastards) to control you. You must look in that mirror and say, "I love myself," even if you don't yet believe it, because one day, you will believe it and that is the day when you will take your next step toward true happiness. That is the day when you step into the light and realize that you are worth something, that you can conquer any interview, that you will succeed, even if you aren't doing exactly what you envisioned you would do when you were 16.
There are days when I still want to crawl out of my skin, where I just want to run away and join the circus, leave it all behind. I do not promote lying to yourself. Be real, accept your limitations, accept your fears, but don't allow them to control you. Remember what you are good at: start writing more, start crafting more, listen to more music, masturbate more, eat the foods you love, hang out with your girlfriends more, have more sex. Do whatever it was that made you happy before, even if you don't feel the same way about it now. I say this because, for me it is not a lie, it is a reintroduction to yourself, what makes you, you. What used to make you feel the most at peace. Because, eventually it will do it again.
ReplyDeleteWhen you get a chance, stand in front of your mirror and look at your face, your eyes, your hair and say thank you... to no one in particular. You can thank God, your parents, or even yourself for making you. We are at a point in our lives when we must learn to appreciate ourselves.
I just want you to know that I appreciate you. I also agree with Sophie, come on home, girl. Call me sometime. Let's get ice cream: 601-832-03550
Love,
E
P.S. Just realized how long that was! I'm sorry...Damn!
ReplyDeleteMy comment was longer that your whole post. Well, I guess I just want you to know that you are not alone, that I am a recovering "me-hater." If you ever need anything, or just want to talk... please don't hesitate to call. We should talk more.