Face the change.

The theme for this point in my life has to be "Change." Don't ask questions, don't blame yourself. Prepare as best you can, and just turn and face the strain. Yes, I'm also listening to David Bowie's "Changes." It's my theme song.


Change is actually very odd and perplexes the hell out of me. We all seek it in some way, however, simultaneously we totally fear it. It's also inevitable. If you aren't experiencing some sort of life-change, then you are dead. Or boring. Sorry.

I'm moving soon. That's scary. I was reading one of Sital's old posts, where she had panic attacks coming to and from Starbucks before she had moved. I can absolutely relate to this. I'm leaving all that I know. Mississippi, home, my family, and my relationship with Graham. But things have to keep moving. My life cannot be paused to wait for Graham to complete nursing school and join me in Nashville. I have to move, move, move.

I was cleaning out my room today, and it made me miss him, unbearably. A lot of my furniture and decorations came from a time when I loved antiquing around Oxford's little shops. I have vases, artwork, records, and other odd knick-knacks from that especially wonderful time of my life.

I made an Ex-Box, attributed to Graham. It's very full, and it only covers the items that fit. Tons of ticket stubs, dried flowers, sweet love notes (one even features an owl on the front, saying "Owl always love you"), and his The Wire DVDs, just to name a few. Nitin's sits on top of his. And it's looking scraggly and very empty by comparison. Now, I still have plenty of loving moments in my repertoire of 2006-2008 memories, but the difference of the seriousness, depth, and connection between these two boys is very apparent.

When Nitin and I broke up, I genuinely felt like I would never, ever find anyone better, who liked me as much, who was as funny and humble and unique and talented. And Nitin is all these things, I assume, but somehow I found someone SO MUCH BETTER.

So much better FOR ME. Nitin will find someone who is better for him than me, and that's fine. But Graham was the first guy who I truly loved, who I still love. He practically lived with me for 8 months in Oxford. The only guy to say, "You're amazing."We woke up and went to sleep together, cuddled, watched movies, played pool, got drinks, lunched, cooked, breakfasted, visited, planned, made love, talked, listened, understood. He was the first guy who saw my baaad side. He saw me grooooossss and unwashed. He shaved my arm pits once. He has picked boogers out of my own nose. He was with me through my foot break. And he loved and cared about me anyway. That's a great man.

That's what will be the hardest to find again,...not the romantic, all-consuming love or attraction or even connection, but that person that I can let into my heart, allow them to see the very worst, most awful parts of me. And love me regardless. Wow.