It's been two months now. Yes, there's fear and anxiety and happiness and freedom. I'm a home-owner, and with that, is another wave of strong emotions- but add in pride. I was sad leaving my little apartment, sad always at chapters ending, sad at a relationship ending. Brad and I have had many endings throughout the course of our relationship, which always added to the confusion, the tendency to keep a distance, and the insecurity of our fragile bond.

I've still be processing the break-up and the breakdown. As with so many things, I'm trying to really hard to understand since I got so very few answers at the time.

He's already being nasty online. I don't understand how he can profess to love me, and yet be so hateful and degrading and mean. I know it's him attempting to grasp at some kind of control over the situation. Being an asshole is safer than being vulnerable and embarrassed. I'm sure seeing pictures of me hiking, being happy, living my life, was difficult to see. I'm happy and having fun, doing something outdoorsy and healthy- which probably makes him feel small and insignificant. Which he isn't and will never be, but life was just easier without him. For me.

His comments only solidify the decision that I made. I don't know how someone can be so impulsive and immature, and he's 37 years old. Those mood swings. And I saw that he bought himself a truck. I'm trying to will myself into being genuinely happy for him. I know that he was wanting a truck, and he got it.

I think that he thought I would forgive him. That his using drugs, under stipulations of him not using it around me or his only using them when his back hurt, but I have to draw the line in the sand somewhere. Every relationship has improvements to be made, no one is perfect- but I was very clear on my feelings around the drugs. I said no. No involvement. He ignored me. Ignored my feelings, did not care if I got upset. I just keep winding it around in my mind- why would someone blatantly do something that upset the person that they say they love. I don't get it.