I had a terrifying moment yesterday. I had lost myself. Does anyone else have these few, lost seconds, that send your mind reeling and searching for something, someone, someplace to connect to? And then hideously realizing that what you've been doing, who you are with, what you have is not at all you? It is not truth? You've been acting for so long that you don't know who you are anymore. If I'd looked at my reflection, there would have been no recognition. No connection to the physical or material world would due.
And this experience begs the question...how do I find this true self? Where does it reside? The heart, the blood, the mind, in the church, in sexual pleasure, in the connected, transient moments. Is the soul, my true self, everywhere? Is it always with me, following like a shadow or protective guardian angel? Or is the soul fleeting, appearing and disappearing when needed?
So, I'm going to spend this week reconnecting with myself. And acknowledging those false moments, when I may painfully force a laugh or a smile. I have to confront the facade of the self that I've constructed through the eyes of others. Maybe in this, I'll find who I really am and become who I'm truly meant to be.
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