SO. It's been a while, bloggie! Things are changing soon and I'm scared. It's strange how I'm just assuming that I'm gonna like this town, that I'll be accepted and loved there. You know, I didn't like Oxford at first either. I was regretful and wondering if it was too late to transfer to Mississippi College. But that's not an option. I need to be brave and accept challenges with excitement and enthusiasm. Moving to a new town, new school, new job, new home, new people. I'm going to get overwhelmed, I will feel lost and alone sometimes. Please be there for me. Don't let the Nashville hipsters eat me alive.

"Listen, are you breathing just a little, and calling it a life?" - Mary Oliver

The greatest gift of love is the gesture of open arms--let come what comes--not because you don't care, or because you hope to steel yourself against the pain, but because you care so much that you are helpless to do anything else. And you accept the cost, the inevitable blow to the heart. It's better in this life, after all, for the heart to be broken--to take on the rich, the tender vulnerability of being human, than not.

"What will survive of us is love." - Phillip Larkin

Graham and I experienced what I'll state simply- gradual differences of life purpose and direction. I've always shined my light on the human capacity to truly love, but I have to accept the way life moves and has its own intelligence, and accept the reality that we are never entirely in control of the way things go. It's hard to resist the urge to hold on, not wanting to let that precious feeling go.

Suffering is a part of how it is on earth; it is an inherent part of the fabric of existence. And if we are lucky, it will break our hearts open. And the heart of love is truly openness. We let everything in and through, willing to feel more rather than less, even if it rocks our very foundations. That's very easy to say, not so easy to do. But we have a lifetime of practice. A goodbye is essentially a deepening acceptance of life as it is instead of what it was or what we may have wanted it to be.

William Blake urges us to "catch a winged moment as it flies."
In the poem "The God Abandons Anthony," the poet urges Anthony not to turn away from the beauty of the music, but to turn toward it; to take in the full impact of the loss he is going to sustain; to be willing to listen--"to the exquisite music of that strange procession, and say goodbye to her, to the Alexandria you are leaving. " To say goodbye with all our heart, is to turn a parting into a blessing. God be with you--goodbye means.

And isn't that what we're here for? To bless the savor of this precious moment even as it slips through our fingers? To allow its sorrow, its joy, its silence or laughter into our life and add a measure to who we are?

my resolution.

sooo many things are calling my name. it's tough when you have so many passions, it seems like its best to just respond to the opportunities handed to you. play the cards that you're given. i'm ready to live recklessly, as Claire Gipson proclaims. i'm ready to give up the fantasy of a future with my one-time, maybe still, boyfriend. it's cool. don't worry about me, people. graham and i's lives are very separate, and have been for nine months, but that doesn't mean the love ever faded. i envy some people's relationships, not the closeness or the chemistry, graham and I had that. I envy the ease of it. graham and i chose a hard path for a young relationship. long distance and high stress. but i'm not allowing the stress to get to me this year. my new year's resolution is to relax and, really, play the cards that i've been dealt. i do believe that the most successful people are those that see the opportunities and take them. that's what i'm doing in 2012. live recklessly. play the cards. go with my gut....oh and get an Usher 6-pack.

I feel like me and graham's relationship has the lifespan of one month. I'm totally fine, everything's going gooood, and then BOOM. Something happens that triggers a meltdown. It usually coincides with my period and involves a dash of alcohol. I've been trying so hard and doing so well with my communicating, as I mentioned on sunday, I've actually felt proud of myself the last couple of weeks. Like, for once, I was the model of the perfect girlfriend.

however, one too many Peroni's, and it goes to shit. but after all my hard work and model perfection, i'm not sure if this one is completely my fault or whether i should look into as something more...bigger...relationship ending. how does a person know when to leave a relationship? i've considered the pro/con list, i've looked at a website that listed the ingredients to an unhealthy relationship, but, at the same time...this is me and graham. i feel like our situation is more complex and layered than what can be summated on a list.

i'm dragging today. i feel a heavy hangover, as always, and i'm not sure what to do in my relationship. i love the kid, but are my needs being met? i've never thought about it before now. i'm so used to surrendering to the blame, that i often forget that graham is not always perfect either. and in this particular situation, he needed to fulfill my one communication need. just simply respond. make me feel important to you. I've done everything right this week. but he came up short, and i'm not happy with that. it's unacceptable when i've been trying so hard.

so much love on our little blogosphere today. too bad i have to chime in with a message of hate, distrust, and, above all, theft....of my nearest and dearest....clothes. from my own blood, no less. my little whittle baby sister.

i'm currently researching "closet locks." realizing that i came to this conclusion too late. she has already stolen my new grove dress, taken it to air for its first time like a newborn baby. well, she has taken her last cookie from my closet, so beautifully organized and molded to my specificities like pygmalion sculpting the statue that he'd eventually fall in love with. No more, I say. Julia shall rue the day she ever looked into my palace of style. she shall face my fiery wrath when mom brings her home from school.

number 1: why is she wearing my dressy dress that i bought for no less than $56 dollars (not included tax!) to fuhreaking school. it's not meant for that! it has a sheer back for god's sake...

number 2: FINALLY. i'm at a point in my life when i can afford the good things in life. my invitation to "the finer things club" has been received and i've RSVPed. now, i have a 15 year old sneaking into my holy grail of a wardrobe to steal my SHIT! Nope. No more.

number 3: it is thankless. because she takes without asking, i never even get a thank you. and that sucks. my entire life i've heard that being a parent is a "thankless job." and i definitely see that now.

i think i'm one of those people that forgives but never really forgets...and i don't forgive either

hey, all!

sital's post inspired me to post-up on my life, as of late, which has consisted of working, grad-schools, and last week, sital's momentous visit back home, to the heart of her young adult life.

and it was wonderful. and what was most wonderful, was how we all made time to be together. sophie set aside time from her busy work and social schedule to be with old friends from yesteryears. ashlee stopped over to lunch it up, and even though it was only a couple hours, her presence made it truly complete. you can't get those sarcastic one-liners anywhere else. and, of course, there is sital...the commander and chief, so glad and refreshing to find someone with her honesty, ambition, energy, and passion.

seeing you guys this last week has reinvigorated my spirit. i feel happy. happy in all aspects. i've started listening to musicals (an american in paris, singin' in the rain, the drowsy chaperone) again, so you know times are good. i feel like sex and the city's miranda, "i love my friends, i love my life, I love my job." i really like my job, i'm good at it, and i'm quickly becoming a necessity. but, i don't want to do this all my life. i want to be a PROFESSIONAL. and i'm finally on my way. i recently heard this on a TV show, the main character said, "...i was in a really dark place in my life,...like, applying for grad schools dark..." and YES. it's a dark place. you're unsure and your life is sorta on PAUSE. and your entire future lies in the hands of a graduate committee, who assesses your worth, judging you against other people who are probably equally good at school and just as competitive (otherwise, they wouldn't be applying). However, I'm still optimistic because I'm finally doing it. I've spent the last two years, thinking about how I need to apply to grad schools, that need write that personal statement and save my money up and retake the GRE. this whole summer i've sat on my ass, studying and thinking and worrying...instead of beginning. And now i have begun and I'm going to finish this. Even if i get into only one school, it doesn't matter, because I'm still getting somewhere, using my degree and fulfilling a long-time dream. I'll get a good job, move out of my parents' house, and make a healthy salary, be worth something more than a waitress or associate. As high as my expectations are for myself, I think others, my friends and family, have even higher expectations for me, which I used to see it as a burden...but it's actually awesome. that everyone believes so much in me. So, I guess I'll top this post off with a cherry...thanks, everyone, for your constant support.