It's getting better.

I had a dream last night that Graham found another girlfriend. And not just a girlfriend, he was mad with love for this chick. In my dream, I met her. She was petite with blonde hair and had a very strong handshake. In short, she was a bitch. This dream-girl locked Graham in an elevator and was conditioning him to stay content by ventilating the elevator's air with sweet-smelling perfumes. My dream-friends and I were planning his prison-break when I woke up, feeling relieved and rejuvenated. It was 10 am. This was the most I'd slept in two weeks.

Face the change.

The theme for this point in my life has to be "Change." Don't ask questions, don't blame yourself. Prepare as best you can, and just turn and face the strain. Yes, I'm also listening to David Bowie's "Changes." It's my theme song.


Change is actually very odd and perplexes the hell out of me. We all seek it in some way, however, simultaneously we totally fear it. It's also inevitable. If you aren't experiencing some sort of life-change, then you are dead. Or boring. Sorry.

I'm moving soon. That's scary. I was reading one of Sital's old posts, where she had panic attacks coming to and from Starbucks before she had moved. I can absolutely relate to this. I'm leaving all that I know. Mississippi, home, my family, and my relationship with Graham. But things have to keep moving. My life cannot be paused to wait for Graham to complete nursing school and join me in Nashville. I have to move, move, move.

I was cleaning out my room today, and it made me miss him, unbearably. A lot of my furniture and decorations came from a time when I loved antiquing around Oxford's little shops. I have vases, artwork, records, and other odd knick-knacks from that especially wonderful time of my life.

I made an Ex-Box, attributed to Graham. It's very full, and it only covers the items that fit. Tons of ticket stubs, dried flowers, sweet love notes (one even features an owl on the front, saying "Owl always love you"), and his The Wire DVDs, just to name a few. Nitin's sits on top of his. And it's looking scraggly and very empty by comparison. Now, I still have plenty of loving moments in my repertoire of 2006-2008 memories, but the difference of the seriousness, depth, and connection between these two boys is very apparent.

When Nitin and I broke up, I genuinely felt like I would never, ever find anyone better, who liked me as much, who was as funny and humble and unique and talented. And Nitin is all these things, I assume, but somehow I found someone SO MUCH BETTER.

So much better FOR ME. Nitin will find someone who is better for him than me, and that's fine. But Graham was the first guy who I truly loved, who I still love. He practically lived with me for 8 months in Oxford. The only guy to say, "You're amazing."We woke up and went to sleep together, cuddled, watched movies, played pool, got drinks, lunched, cooked, breakfasted, visited, planned, made love, talked, listened, understood. He was the first guy who saw my baaad side. He saw me grooooossss and unwashed. He shaved my arm pits once. He has picked boogers out of my own nose. He was with me through my foot break. And he loved and cared about me anyway. That's a great man.

That's what will be the hardest to find again,...not the romantic, all-consuming love or attraction or even connection, but that person that I can let into my heart, allow them to see the very worst, most awful parts of me. And love me regardless. Wow.

These days...

At 1:00, I'm doing something that I can hardly fathom. I'm pressing charges against the rock climbing facility responsible for my ankle break. Basically it's "premises liability" case; I don't want to take the place for all their worth, I just want my medical expenses paid. I gave up my job a month ago, and won't be able to work until after December. Maybe something extra for that, too.

The place should not be up and running. Where are the safety codes? I was on the beginner's section, a part were there was no matting. If they aren't going to provide a harness to secure me to the wall and from falling, there MUST be matting to soften the falls. It's if someone sold you a car, saying you'll be safe from harm, but there aren't any seat belts,...oh, and you only get half an airbag.

I did call the owner, to see if his insurance would be willing to pay what my insurance wouldn't cover, and he was less than receptive. He was not sympathetic, he was not apologetic. He actually brushed me off like an annoyance. I tried explaining what this break was to me. It's cost me my job, my mobility for three months, countless hours of sleep, a strong possibility of early-onset arthritis, and over $5,000 in medical bills. And there is a 20%-30% chance of AVN, which is a serious condition where the blood supply to the foot stops, and the bone dies. Equalling more surgeries. The talus is a super critical part of the ankle; it holds most the body's weight, and is the passageway for the ankle's blood flow. So, not only will I be paying off my accumulated student loan interest while graduate school, I'll have to be gradually paying off my medical bills, as well...all while not being able to work for six months.

This can't happen. I have to protect myself.

Anyway, I'm trying not to stress. My lawyer said that he's looked over my signed waiver and said that I have a good, good chance of winning this case. The waiver was a standard carbon-copy print-out, and said that most of these kinds of waivers are not as legally binding as one might think. I hope he's right. Wish me luck/pray for me today!

Our brief love.

I hate sleep. I don't get nearly enough and when I do, I just dream about Graham. And then I wake up and feel like shit for two hours, until Mad Men puts me back to sleep. And really, Don Draper's cheating shenanigans do not pacify me at all. 

I called him this morning. I just can't accept the silence or the defeat. It's such a unfortunate/fortunate aspect of my character. I just can't let a dead horse lie...er, lay? I've done this before...the back-pedaling, the apologizing, and then I make up some new terms to the relationship and hope for the best, tightly crossing my fingers and toes. 

I know this is naive, but I at least wanted to try the enhanced long-distance with him. I wanted to say that we tried everything. I want to put the bad parts behind us and really begin anew, with full trust and a super abundance of love. I want to be overwhelmed with love. And forgiving. And trust that we will be together when we can, and even be together when we can't. We stopped saying I love you's months ago, I think we feared that vulnerability. We had to harden our hearts, look away more, and distance ourselves from this fast-approaching future. 

But if we could start again, re-commit ourselves to the fullest, most passionate love-affair ever, I would give it a try. Be as open as we were at 22.

When he left me last Wednesday, we parted with "See you soon." I watched him leave. Then I stood in the guest room, where we'd lived, slept, laughed, and loved. I was alone again. With only 2 cups, 2 forks, cake containers, bag of Cheetos, his towel,...the reminders of what was, who left just a few minutes ago. Taking so much of my happiness with him. Our brief love. Saying "See you soon," and I returned with "See you later, alligator," that's the most that our future ever extended. And at this point, I'll take that. 

GUYS! I just went through a TON of old letters from 2005-2007. Such strong, wonderful friendships. There was this palpable, abundance of love between all of us, such support and pride and pure, youthful goodness.

 A part of me wants to go back to that time. Is it too late? Has life thrown me too many punches for me to ever feel that sweet, sweet hope again? I really hope not. But, either way, that true goodness was in me ONCE! Just reading those letters lifted my low spirits off the ground and soaring.

 Today began as a bad day. One of the worst in awhile, but I guess it's up to me to pull myself from the pitty stupid doldrums. However, I'm in the most terrible time of my life right now. I'm waiting. Waiting waiting waiting. Waiting freaking sucks; it sucks more than the actual disappointment. And there is nowhere for me to go, and very few ways to distract myself. I have all these pressing worries, that I can't do anything to expedite because I'm waiting for OTHER people to get back to ME. What if they never do?

 I need to apologize to my sister, I've been a monster today. I don't mean to be, I 'm just stressed and have no outlets. I used to work out my frustrations at the gym or busy myself at work. Those are no longer my options, so now I dwell until very late at night. I can't sleep and I wake up at seven am every day, which only makes my boring, crappy days even longer.

 This must be what depression feels like. An overwhelming sadness, that cannot be ignored, I feel worthless. I feel crippled physically and crippled spiritually. And nothing can make me feel better. While I wasn't looking, Life punched me in face, really really hard. I feel broken.

It never ceases to amaze me the amount of drama and change I can bring in to my life. Things are difficult, let's have a fight! I am held up with a broken foot, trying to get my school shit figured out, aaand then I find myself fighting with my boyfriend, who less than a week ago lit up my world by coming to visit my crippled self. I don't know if this is a problem that can be simply fixed. I miss the days of just say, "I'm sorry" could work as a feasible solution. But I guess it doesn't hurt to try. I make mistakes, I'm no perfect person, but I do have my whole life to learn. I don't like conflict, but sometimes I look for it to find the answers. I do something, and then wait and watch the reaction, like a little, stupid relationship scientist. I'm moving soon. My world is shifting to another place, another phase. I'm ready to reclaim my independence and maybe, possibly grow personally through the hardship. I'll be a crippled girl in a new town, with no idea what to expect. There will be moments of loneliness and times of gladness and fullness. I hope that I am able to truly breathe deeply and feel the fullness of my life. Feel, explore, and experience the change within myself, as I immerse myself in this education and the true beginning of my real career. Last night, I was trying to think of some event in my childhood that makes me so scared of being vulnerable. Why I feel like I need to protect myself all the time. Why I have this heavy mistrust of men. Maybe its something my parents displaced on to me.

SO. It's been a while, bloggie! Things are changing soon and I'm scared. It's strange how I'm just assuming that I'm gonna like this town, that I'll be accepted and loved there. You know, I didn't like Oxford at first either. I was regretful and wondering if it was too late to transfer to Mississippi College. But that's not an option. I need to be brave and accept challenges with excitement and enthusiasm. Moving to a new town, new school, new job, new home, new people. I'm going to get overwhelmed, I will feel lost and alone sometimes. Please be there for me. Don't let the Nashville hipsters eat me alive.