i feel very loved. it's a good feeling. hope everyone had a marvelous valentines day. let the love grow.

thank you for the advice, guys. i really needed it.

ramblings.

"Take Me Back" by She & Him is one of those sad, sad songs. Oh my god, it makes me want to cry so much for no reason. It's hopeless, and I think that's why. It's almost as a beautiful and sad as Feist's "Now At Last" from her album Let It Die, which centers around the idea of breaking up and just allowing a relationship to decease. Leaving it behind you. When Leslie Feist sings, "Where was I???? Where was I???? When the spring is cold, where do robins go? What makes winters lonely? Now at last, I know." Phew. Gets me. And don't get me started on Delta Spirit's "House Built For Two." THAT one is sad. But I love these songs, they are my favorites...and it's because they bring forth this emotion in me. They all stir something up. They make me feel love or lack of love. Everyone can relate to these feelings of loneliness and melancholy. I become Feist or that dude from Delta Spirit; I have been there, I have felt that. I am feeling that. I'm lonely sometimes. I think that in a month I will be much more alone. And these songs will be there for me.

um um um

I've worked most of the day. But it was a good day, there was no killing me today! I was like an ox combined with a horse combined with a bear combined with a truck. Now, I just want to dress up like a bag lady, fill up a shopping cart with double bottles of wine, and find some railroad tracks and howl like a wolf.

Crappy New Year!

Although I had the guy I wanted, the kiss I wanted, sometimes I just have to sabotage it. There's a quote from this movie that I heard a while back that I really, really need to follow. It goes something like, "Never, never look in your rearview mirror, darling. It makes no difference what's behind you." And I think that includes looking too much in others' rearview mirrors, also. I'm going to try to improve on this, I swear. I hate that dwell and stay up at night, peering at my ceiling; I wish I didn't think, analyze, or suspect. Just have to busy the mind.

there are these times when i want to protect myself, and i get really really scared of how vulnerable i've become. i hate it and i try to fight it and be strong and confident and i assure and assure myself that everything's okay, that i won't be hurt this time. please please please let me let me let me, let me get what i want this time.

and i said it.

It was a moment that I never thought would happen to me, but I wish I could linger there forever. I heard my own distant voice say those words, along with that emotion. The words burst out of me! I couldn't hold it back,...but I swear I tried. It's been, "I love being with you," and "I love how you feel." It's been words like "beautiful" and "happy" and "thank you" and "good morning" and "good night" and "babe" and "mine," for so long. Then, for just seconds, in my bed, in the dark, we spoke a different language. A new phrase that I've learned only recently. I didn't want or expect to get it returned, I just needed him to know about this feeling. I needed him to know that my hunger dies down a little sometimes, then I think how much I love him and that starts me off again, and his face, I look over at his face and can't believe how I got here and how lucky and it's still all a surprise and it never stops, even after it's over, it never stops being a surprise. I've had a few good years, but they don't know this.

Love to all,
Amanda