Our brief love.

I hate sleep. I don't get nearly enough and when I do, I just dream about Graham. And then I wake up and feel like shit for two hours, until Mad Men puts me back to sleep. And really, Don Draper's cheating shenanigans do not pacify me at all. 

I called him this morning. I just can't accept the silence or the defeat. It's such a unfortunate/fortunate aspect of my character. I just can't let a dead horse lie...er, lay? I've done this before...the back-pedaling, the apologizing, and then I make up some new terms to the relationship and hope for the best, tightly crossing my fingers and toes. 

I know this is naive, but I at least wanted to try the enhanced long-distance with him. I wanted to say that we tried everything. I want to put the bad parts behind us and really begin anew, with full trust and a super abundance of love. I want to be overwhelmed with love. And forgiving. And trust that we will be together when we can, and even be together when we can't. We stopped saying I love you's months ago, I think we feared that vulnerability. We had to harden our hearts, look away more, and distance ourselves from this fast-approaching future. 

But if we could start again, re-commit ourselves to the fullest, most passionate love-affair ever, I would give it a try. Be as open as we were at 22.

When he left me last Wednesday, we parted with "See you soon." I watched him leave. Then I stood in the guest room, where we'd lived, slept, laughed, and loved. I was alone again. With only 2 cups, 2 forks, cake containers, bag of Cheetos, his towel,...the reminders of what was, who left just a few minutes ago. Taking so much of my happiness with him. Our brief love. Saying "See you soon," and I returned with "See you later, alligator," that's the most that our future ever extended. And at this point, I'll take that. 

GUYS! I just went through a TON of old letters from 2005-2007. Such strong, wonderful friendships. There was this palpable, abundance of love between all of us, such support and pride and pure, youthful goodness.

 A part of me wants to go back to that time. Is it too late? Has life thrown me too many punches for me to ever feel that sweet, sweet hope again? I really hope not. But, either way, that true goodness was in me ONCE! Just reading those letters lifted my low spirits off the ground and soaring.

 Today began as a bad day. One of the worst in awhile, but I guess it's up to me to pull myself from the pitty stupid doldrums. However, I'm in the most terrible time of my life right now. I'm waiting. Waiting waiting waiting. Waiting freaking sucks; it sucks more than the actual disappointment. And there is nowhere for me to go, and very few ways to distract myself. I have all these pressing worries, that I can't do anything to expedite because I'm waiting for OTHER people to get back to ME. What if they never do?

 I need to apologize to my sister, I've been a monster today. I don't mean to be, I 'm just stressed and have no outlets. I used to work out my frustrations at the gym or busy myself at work. Those are no longer my options, so now I dwell until very late at night. I can't sleep and I wake up at seven am every day, which only makes my boring, crappy days even longer.

 This must be what depression feels like. An overwhelming sadness, that cannot be ignored, I feel worthless. I feel crippled physically and crippled spiritually. And nothing can make me feel better. While I wasn't looking, Life punched me in face, really really hard. I feel broken.

It never ceases to amaze me the amount of drama and change I can bring in to my life. Things are difficult, let's have a fight! I am held up with a broken foot, trying to get my school shit figured out, aaand then I find myself fighting with my boyfriend, who less than a week ago lit up my world by coming to visit my crippled self. I don't know if this is a problem that can be simply fixed. I miss the days of just say, "I'm sorry" could work as a feasible solution. But I guess it doesn't hurt to try. I make mistakes, I'm no perfect person, but I do have my whole life to learn. I don't like conflict, but sometimes I look for it to find the answers. I do something, and then wait and watch the reaction, like a little, stupid relationship scientist. I'm moving soon. My world is shifting to another place, another phase. I'm ready to reclaim my independence and maybe, possibly grow personally through the hardship. I'll be a crippled girl in a new town, with no idea what to expect. There will be moments of loneliness and times of gladness and fullness. I hope that I am able to truly breathe deeply and feel the fullness of my life. Feel, explore, and experience the change within myself, as I immerse myself in this education and the true beginning of my real career. Last night, I was trying to think of some event in my childhood that makes me so scared of being vulnerable. Why I feel like I need to protect myself all the time. Why I have this heavy mistrust of men. Maybe its something my parents displaced on to me.