Journaling through the Negative

 

When I’m struggling (with new, conflicting information), I have a hard time keeping perspective. I’m overloaded with emotions that I’m trying to quickly sort through, burying some of them, while expressing others. I don’t really have the emotional distance to get that perspective to articulate how I’m feeling in a way that’s respectful.

I was using that reptile brain, and I’m responding in visceral type of way. I was shocked; I didn’t see that coming…AT ALL. So, there’s anxiety around that—being surprised by your partner’s past, when you thought you knew all or most of it.

Nathan is a great boyfriend. He’s been a great boyfriend for all of these months. We’ve had so many fun experiences, laughs, happy moments, and huge, long talks for hours. His past is in his past. Just because Brad chose to keep in touch with other women outside of our relationship, does not mean that Nathan will do that. We’ve been open and transparent with each other, his phone is always open to show his messages and snaps from people. He does not keep in touch with exes on the socials. He is not vindicative or manipulative or controlling or needy or resentful or angry. He is secure. He wants this relationship. I’ve met his family, extended family, family friends, cousins, Nashville and Maine friends. He’s posted about me on social media and changed our relationship status on Facebook for everyone to see. He’s excited and proud of being with me. He’s affectionate, kisses me in public, kisses me at volleyball tournaments, concerts, and bar, and has even kissed and canoodled me in front of girls that he has also kissed- he’s unwavering in his love for me and has never once questioned it. Except for in the midst of a Tesla panic attack, where he felt he couldn't live up to being my boyfriend due to work and stress. He said it was momentary and he didn't even come close to acting on it. He hasn’t voiced doubts in us, even when I have. He's told me his deepest secrets, opened up, and showed so much vulnerability. I know that isn't easy for him. 

On Wednesday, he snapped me early in the morning saying that he was available to get lunch with me. He knew that we wouldn’t be seeing each other until Friday evening, so he wanted to make sure that he sliced out a little time for me. It was only coffee, but I appreciated the effort, and it was really good seeing him- even just checking in. He said that he loved me when we kissed goodbye outside of the Well. He asked me why I didn’t have a good day yesterday, and was probably worried that he was the cause of it. And he was. It was an emotionally raw day. I was deep in my feelings, which were living in this past weekend. I wonder if he’s still living there, too? Or if he’s moved on because Sunday was fun and carefree and I think it was what we needed, given out emotional night.

How do we accept the past of our partners? Nathan was singling and mingling as a new Nashvillian, coming from small town Maine, with all of these new cute, volleyballs girls as potentially girlfriends. In the same way that he pursued me, he pursued them.  So, of course, he was out and about. Same as I was when I got to Nashville at 25. He’s also younger than me, crushing on everyone, which I also did when I first got into the vball scene. It’s not as if forgiveness is needed. He was living his life. And it could be so much worse, too.

He's a good boy. I’m just crazy. And I think I just worry already about being a little ancillary in his life. And not special. So, having knowledge of all of these other girls, floating around, just makes me feel even more, like, not special. I’m just another chick that he made out with a bar. BUT! He crushed on me before, asked me out, got to know me, he approached me. He asked me to be exclusive. He asked me to be his girlfriend. He has been leading this relationship forward. He even said that he considers our relationship to be serious to Chase, so we are good. We are fine. He said I love you first before I was going to say it. He bought me souvenirs, he brought me to Maine and took me everywhere. He said he always wanted a girlfriend that was athletic like me. He said I was incredibly gorgeous, that he likes my eyes and hips and butt and boobs, he said I'm cute and smart, touches me constantly, reassures my insecurities. Just let the love in, Amanda. Don't sabotage this one. Give it a chance. 

Some important words? Maybe?

Setting the soft scene. In his bed. It's 12:00am. He is back from Maine, and I'm back next to him. We are lightly chatting about his trip. He sort of...stops short of saying something. It's sort of a, "intakes breath..." 

"I realized something while I've been away..."

"Oh, it is that you always forget your toothpaste."

"Nope."

"You always forget your toothbrush?"

"Nope."

.....Quiet. 

"You realized something while you've been away...?"

"I think, I THINK, I might be falling in love with you."

Woah, I thought he was going to say this, but I didn't know what it would be like hearing it. I immediately kiss him and hug him. I want to say it back immediately, but I also want to hear more about this new feeling...

He continued, "I felt it before I left for my last trip to Texas, and before you went to Denver. When I went over to your house before you left on that Monday...I just had this feeling of dread." 

I said that I understood the feeling. That he's expanded my life that was already really great. He said that his favorite parts of my body are my hipbones. His friends and family asked about me in Maine, he said his face light up when he would talk about me. His "brother-cousin" Matt asked him what he liked the most about me, and he said that he liked that I'm goofy.

"I never realized that I was goofy."

"Well, it's like you don't take things too seriously. You don't try too hard." 

Two Weeks since 09/07.

He's alive. I'm alive. He's travel back today from Maine, as I request off work to go to Maine for Christmas. Is this my life? Is this what I want for my life? And yeah, it is. In many ways, I've wanted this and hoped for something like this. I hope it keeps growing and stays in this happy place. There is an evil part of me that wants him to fail, that seeks out his mistakes and decides magnify his (FEW!) flaws. I guess because I'm comfortable with that. I'm comfortable with loss and disappointment, and this happiness and lightness isn't meant for me. I wasn't meant to be in anything resembling healthy. I'm old. I'm used up. I've lost every ounce of romantic ideals that I've had. I'd already decided that my romantic future was doomed. I was meant to be alone and revel in that. I'd bought a house, gotten a dog, made the friends, booked the trips, and cemented myself a woman on her own. A permanent fixture as a 3, 5, 7th wheel. The dating apps were loooong dropped. There was no reason to fight against a situation that I'd made for myself. Our futures are the result of our choices, the tiny ones and the big ones all compounding together, and then you have this mixture. Do you like that recipe? How's it taste?! You only have yourself to blame because you're the one that made it. 

So, it's a little odd to be paired now, and it's scary to maybe, someday lose this. I don't want to be the one to wreck anything like I have in the past. 

New Post

New post which means new changes, always. Never one to jinx anything, I'm doing my best to maintain my expectations while also allowing myself to smile at the thought of him. He's so nice. So giving and full of life and love. He's gently charged our relationship forward with intentionality and quite strength. It scares me a little how much I like him. I'm scared of how hurt I could get, of how disappointed I could be if this doesn't work out. I wonder when the other shoe will drop, and I'll be forced to reconcile my intuition with what I want so badly. Stay tuned. 

Death

 is stupid. Can I just decide that people don't actually die. I mean, what the heck do we know? Maybe the dead are truly alive with us, moving about with us through our lives. Maybe as long as the person exists in our memories, the person is still living. The body is a vessel. The soul is the water. If the vessel breaks, the soul pours out, absorbed into the ground, and feeds, nourishes the life that its connected to. There is no death, only life in different forms, spilling out

34

For sure, this is not my favorite birthday. Not exactly joyFULL. But I'm thankful that I have it. There's tragedy and war everywhere, so let's do our best to celebrate those brief moments of happiness. And then let them go. No feelings are forever. We can't hold on forever. We are fleeting, all of us. And that's life running its course. Similar to us, life has no choice but to move forward. 

We all carry our pockets of pain. By my age, you've usually lost someone important and you've been forced to learn hard lessons. But again, life is going on everywhere. Everyone carries something. I guess that's why I've been enjoying a bit of Buddhism lately- the idea of not holding such a tight grasp on anything. Prayer and meditation. Allowing the sands of the mandala to wash away from you. Despite our best efforts and toil, the mandala will always be washed away because nothing is ever permanent. 

Christianity advises to go to God like a child, with openness and genuine curiosity. Asking questions and absorbing the stories. Buddhism advises to greet life like an empty vessel, waiting to be filled. You must empty out and rest, in order to be filled again. Either way, we aren't meant to know anything. We are only meant to experience and then rest. To understand pain, one must experience pain. To understand life, one must experience life, in all of its messy glories. It's risky because it's not all rainbows and balloons. Not every birthday is going to be rainbows and balloons. Who knows, maybe next year, I'll have that rainbow.  Anyways, have a nice day and weekend. 

Brad

Brad, you taught me so much. About the importance of family, friendship, loyalty, unconditional love, and lifted trucks. I'd never been with someone who was so completely my opposite, with such a different background from me. He had a large, unconventional family, was from the Southwest, more Motocross than SEC football. He was so laid-back, playful, fun-loving, and hilarious. He was good at everything. He had the unique ability to make friends with anyone. And he was bold, as he rolled up in his white Mercedes and asked for my number the first time the we met. 

I felt shocked and honored that I'd somehow tied down the infamous, footloose, and fancy-free, Brad Walters. He confirmed to me just three weeks in, "I'm going to start telling people that you're my girlfriend now, okay?" Full of surprises. He turned out to be such a homebody, enjoying evenings at home making ceviche and salsa, taking long baths, repotting our plants. On weekends, we'd sleep in until 8am (he never did learn how to sleep late) and cook up large, elaborate breakfasts for just the two of us. We enjoyed the little things like running errands together as a formidable team, formulating a plan of action, and executing what we wanted to accomplish that day. 

He was also extremely smart. He could take apart a car and put it back together again; he could build a house from the ground-up. He always kept himself busy, even installing a literal iPad into his 4Runner dashboard. He cared for his animals and his people. If Brad's in your corner, you're taken care of for life, and you are his family now. Even in our break-up, he made it explicit that he was always here for me. I feel like I've been waiting for him to come to his senses and realize all that he is. See what we all see in him. A quote that I'm holding close, "What is grief, if not love persevering?" He's gone too soon, but he loved and was loved.