I've learned that words have the potential to inflict a lot of damage. I've had harsh words thrown at me, time and again, in my relationship. And although these opinions and feelings feel so good leaving the person who says them, it's a release----the other individual, then, must keep and hold those harsh opinions and feelings.

I was told that I was basically selfish in my relationship. Because I didn't do my share of the chores, laundry, dishes, cleaning, I don't do anything extra in my relationship. I don't do anything beyond what's expected of me or asked of me. That's a harsh opinion of who I am. Very hard not to fight this sort of statement. So, now, I have these fresh insights on who I am. What do I do with them? Do I believe them and change? Do I fight them and stay the same? There is no non-action, there's no neutral. I kinda felt like fighting this opinion, while also changing. However, that opinion is still harsh, and it still hurts.

I'm having real trouble deciding if I want to stay in this relationship. I mean, what's the point, if I'm terrible? If I'm selfish? If I'm resistant? If my actions make him angry, irritated, or frustrated, why should we continue? Maybe we aren't compatible at all. His harsh deliveries aren't effective on me, but he knows no other way. I need softer, more direct statements. I'm very good at directions, but reading behind people's passive aggressiveness or humor (where there's some truth) is difficult for me in such a busy and full world and schedule. I'm very sensitive, but I'm also over-sensitized to a point of numbness. By the end of the day, I just want his warm body to hold me and let me dream.

I'm very confused in my feelings, and I guess that's where I'm uncertain of my decision. I know it's primarily mine, which gives me a sense of fear. To be single again. I give up this person, this life, his family, that peace and love and companionship and that future. I really did enjoy my life with him. I think we could have been happy for a long time if he allowed it. We could have been very, very, very orgasmically, awesomely, wonderfully, divinely, fucking happy. That's probably the shittiest part. That loss of potential that you know is there, just sitting there, waiting, but it's underneath SO. MUCH. dirt.