As I listen to Ariana Grande croon about her newest love affair, engagement, and the sweetness of new love, I ponder yet another ending of mine. It's very unlike any of my past breakups that felt like an event, a catastrophe, you know, filled with confusion and old memories that tug at my cracked-up heart.

This one, is not sudden, not clean, and it feels so necessary for my personal health and entire life. This relationship was being pushed, shoved, forward and onward by our individual hopes. I so badly want to have that beautiful stability and security and sense of family that's forever and long-lasting and it felt so close, finally. We were living together. I've always wanted to live with a boyfriend. It always seemed so grown-up, so practical and modern and cool. Living Together was practically a marriage, but younger and just one piece of paper away! I was almost married. We were a true we. If I went somewhere, the inevitable question was, "where's brad?" Because I'm tied so closely, so intrinsically connected, it's assumed that I know everything about him, including where he is at all times. His companionship was assumed and he was tied to me.

Now, as we attempt to disconnect, I'm alone for the first time in two years. I'm alone in my decisions, my future, career, finances,...what do I want? For now, I just want to be disentangled from something that I've stopped believing in. He was infuriated that I wasn't speaking, just staring at him, as he impassioned his diatribe about whatever, us? him? my faults? if I've ever cared about him?....I had nothing to say, which is odd for me. I've usually fought for us, him, or at least for myself. Now, I just don't care. I feel exhausted with the weekly wrestling with this relationship that I continually fuck up. It's like every month a new fault is discovered about me that sparks another awful break-up, where I'm left crying in my car, in his car, in my cubicle, in bathrooms, everywhere. We've been through this, through all the heartaches, the negotiations, the splitting of assets and family members- I've been hurt so. many. times. by this man. I told my friend Angie, that I've been broken up with MORE TIMES in this relationship- than ALL OF MY PAST RELATIONSHIPS COMBINED. And why? For this stupid hope for a future, because everything was more fun with him, because he made me laugh all the time, because I finally had a team mate in this fucking world? It makes me very to sad to think that this is my love story. Our love story that rusted and tarnished, died like tiny fly on the windowsill. We completely fucked it up.  It's gotten so bad that I'm willing to lose all of that, empty out all the love and fun and partnership, lose my super cool *living with my lover* situation- but only by completely emptying out, can I refill my life.