whines

Wow. Life teaches us so much. It's remarkable. As my favorite song, a song I once wanted in my wedding, plays in my earphones, I contemplate what lessons I've learned through this relationship. It's all we can hope to do from our sorrows. After we've accepted the fate of things, we take the time, moving an appropriate distance from the distress, to simply learn.

It happened only Saturday. A question and the silence of a grave. My heart stopped. Then, it swelled with hope for a few remaining beats, until the truth finally gushed to life's surface. It landed like a dead hawk between us. Everything dashed away.

I didn't think it could happen to me. I saw myself as invincible to a cheating partner. I'm wonderful and desirable and worthy of truth and love. I've made mistakes, of course, y'all know that and I would never deny the fact. However, I'm intuitive, making smart judgements, based around the strength and authenticity of a connection between two independent souls. It was all present; it was there for us. So present, it practically thumped between us. I'd never experienced a person understanding me so well, considering me so important, beautiful, worthy, and wanted, wanted, wanted, so much of the time. Every day, I felt wanted for all the pieces of me, even the brokenness, shining a white light onto my darkness. At night, the wanting slept beside of each us, one wanting the other beyond space, beyond time, beyond even understanding. The goodnights were gentle poetry, "Rest softly." He called me a fawn.

Still, this is not real to me. Those three hours felt like a nightmare. I expected at any moment to wake up, turn my face to his, and see him sleeping there, with the calm of a boy. I want to walk over to his house right this very moment. I left my heart there. Betrayal exists in its own hell. I apologize if my posts are fragmented. My thoughts aren't in complete sentences. I'm not eating much. And I've been smoking again.

new fall

It's another, brand new fall. Unlike Spring, Fall is when the world truly comes alive for me. And I'm alone this Fall, for the first time in a long while. By alone, I don't mean completely alone: I am surrounded by life, nature, memories, imagination, art, and the Spirit. It's time to reconnect myself with these beautiful tangibles. Redefine who I am. This self that I've constructed of these things. Who is the person that I am? I've so long identified my life in according to someone else. And yes, it's a special Bond. There's no denying how love can enliven a person, filling her soul up and brimming it over, like a warm bath. It can be irrevocably wonderful. However, it can be consuming and ugly, as well. It can constrict you and all who you are, if you allow it. And I've been allowing this into my life. Although love exists between us, in us, and of us, it is treacherous.