something something something

I want to do something great. I want to bring people together for a common purpose, a masterful goal of uniting and thriving and working together and finding a "way." I know it's vague and far from simple, but I'm a fool. And fool-hardy. However, I'm also often afraid and selfish, but I've been working on getting myself out of myself. It's true, that when searching for something...vehemently searching and wondering and wandering, you get so wrapped up in the search, darting eyes, sweaty foreheads, and your (my) impatience and looking around at everyone else and "what're they doing?" "why'd they get that?" "where are they now?" the whole thing's lost.

I have to look inward, while also paying attention. I have to absorb and learn. Be a sponge to others, while also acknowledge that I'm a sponge. I'm just a sponge and everyone's sponges. How cool is that? What a concept. We are all just knocking around and bumping into each other in this expansive yet entirely tiny planet.

It's really neat that I've spent 25 years with myself now. Am I tired of me? No. Because there's always more to learn. More to understand further. We are so infinitely complex. How divine, the crazed, pulsing neuro-circuitry. Then, we MEET someone. And we want to know all about their wiring AND all about their physicality. We accept the darkness. We even learn to love the darkness. And that's true love. 

That's more than empty passivity, an "Oh. Wow. That sucks for you."

It's, "My God. You strong and incredible thing. LOOK at you. Just look at you. Look at you." 

It's loving them more because it's honest. They're real. They know hurt and tears and want you to know their hurt and tears. They are reaching out for you to understand them more. Testing the depth of love. What can she/he endure? Will he/she love me despite my alcoholic parents? I need for he/she to know before we go further, because I cannot endure it otherwise.

muffin and coffee

I had a terrifying moment yesterday. I had lost myself. Does anyone else have these few, lost seconds, that send your mind reeling and searching for something, someone, someplace to connect to? And then hideously realizing that what you've been doing, who you are with, what you have is not at all you? It is not truth? You've been acting for so long that you don't know who you are anymore. If I'd looked at my reflection, there would have been no recognition. No connection to the physical or material world would due.

And this experience begs the question...how do I find this true self? Where does it reside? The heart, the blood, the mind, in the church, in sexual pleasure, in the connected, transient moments. Is the soul, my true self, everywhere? Is it always with me, following like a shadow or protective guardian angel? Or is the soul fleeting, appearing and disappearing when needed?

So, I'm going to spend this week reconnecting with myself. And acknowledging those false moments, when I may painfully force a laugh or a smile. I have to confront the facade of the self that I've constructed through the eyes of others. Maybe in this, I'll find who I really am and become who I'm truly meant to be.