Trust. Being trusted and giving trust. Receiving and Believing. Without trust, without respect, is it a relationship? If not a relationship, then what is it? Two people wallowing around, confused, non-directional. Two targets spinning around in a circle, with two positive magnets that repel each other?
I went to church for the first time in probably...two years...it felt so, so good. I took communion and cried in my heads, apologizing for neglecting my most important relationship for two years. A relationship with God, yes. But also, a relationship with myself. And because I'm tied to someone who requires so much, and I loved feeling loved, feeling needed, being called, being consumed by someone. However, over time, I've lost who I am, spiritually, professionally, socially...
I tried to explain this to him last night. How I was once a strong person. How...I was a good person. But in my efforts to be a partner, a girlfriend, a best friend, while prioritizing my Person above everything...not only did I lose myself, it still wasn't enough. It was never enough. It never will be enough. He will never wholly trust and I've never wholly prove myself to him as good enough for his love.
He said that he wanted to marry me, but how can you marry someone who you don't respect. Someone that you call a stupid bitch or a fucking cunt or.....literally any other combination of hurtful, untrue, horrible words that were meant to cut me open.
I'm trying to stay strong because I know in my heart that I can't stay in this relationship. I told him, "I'm nervous with you all the time." It's ingrained in me now to jump as high as I am commanded. But it's never high enough- despite my years of diligence, forgiveness, love, and time. It's never going to be enough.
