Getting better at this!

You still email me. I don't know why. I don't know why, after almost a year, you think I'll change my mind or come to my sense and be with you again. I don't think I was ever truly happy. I wanted a relationship because I feel stronger and more secure when I'm not alone. Standing on my own, as ONLY me, sucked.

Being in a relationship was something to be proud of. It shows a worthiness, desire, completion. Being alone was shameful, embarrassing, no one finding worth in me. My aloneness was a testament to my failure. I always valued love and relationships all my life- I was the girl watching the rom-coms, observing the princess being whisked away by a prince, listening to all the love songs, reading books that relied heavily on emotions, sentiment, sweetness, and candid, fun conversations between two characters who'd soon find themselves infatuated. 

Maybe that's why I have a hard time letting go. That's always been my point of interest- human relationships, especially romantic relations- it's what I gravitate toward. It's important to me to be important to someone, being reflected as valued and worthy and lovely. Of course, I could take the place of this external voice, pulling my sense of worth from the inside out and wrap it around me like a soft blanket or steeled shield. There's all types of love. Companionate love, platonic love, familial love, love from a pet (GOT THAT!), and self-love. So, in order to get through life being alone, it's essential that I learn to spread my idea of love and not heap it all into one category of ROMANTIC love. Sure, it's important, and I've experienced many romantic things, heard romantic words, that poetic, high-hearted experience of complete joy.