Some important words? Maybe?

Setting the soft scene. In his bed. It's 12:00am. He is back from Maine, and I'm back next to him. We are lightly chatting about his trip. He sort of...stops short of saying something. It's sort of a, "intakes breath..." 

"I realized something while I've been away..."

"Oh, it is that you always forget your toothpaste."

"Nope."

"You always forget your toothbrush?"

"Nope."

.....Quiet. 

"You realized something while you've been away...?"

"I think, I THINK, I might be falling in love with you."

Woah, I thought he was going to say this, but I didn't know what it would be like hearing it. I immediately kiss him and hug him. I want to say it back immediately, but I also want to hear more about this new feeling...

He continued, "I felt it before I left for my last trip to Texas, and before you went to Denver. When I went over to your house before you left on that Monday...I just had this feeling of dread." 

I said that I understood the feeling. That he's expanded my life that was already really great. He said that his favorite parts of my body are my hipbones. His friends and family asked about me in Maine, he said his face light up when he would talk about me. His "brother-cousin" Matt asked him what he liked the most about me, and he said that he liked that I'm goofy.

"I never realized that I was goofy."

"Well, it's like you don't take things too seriously. You don't try too hard." 

Two Weeks since 09/07.

He's alive. I'm alive. He's travel back today from Maine, as I request off work to go to Maine for Christmas. Is this my life? Is this what I want for my life? And yeah, it is. In many ways, I've wanted this and hoped for something like this. I hope it keeps growing and stays in this happy place. There is an evil part of me that wants him to fail, that seeks out his mistakes and decides magnify his (FEW!) flaws. I guess because I'm comfortable with that. I'm comfortable with loss and disappointment, and this happiness and lightness isn't meant for me. I wasn't meant to be in anything resembling healthy. I'm old. I'm used up. I've lost every ounce of romantic ideals that I've had. I'd already decided that my romantic future was doomed. I was meant to be alone and revel in that. I'd bought a house, gotten a dog, made the friends, booked the trips, and cemented myself a woman on her own. A permanent fixture as a 3, 5, 7th wheel. The dating apps were loooong dropped. There was no reason to fight against a situation that I'd made for myself. Our futures are the result of our choices, the tiny ones and the big ones all compounding together, and then you have this mixture. Do you like that recipe? How's it taste?! You only have yourself to blame because you're the one that made it. 

So, it's a little odd to be paired now, and it's scary to maybe, someday lose this. I don't want to be the one to wreck anything like I have in the past. 

New Post

New post which means new changes, always. Never one to jinx anything, I'm doing my best to maintain my expectations while also allowing myself to smile at the thought of him. He's so nice. So giving and full of life and love. He's gently charged our relationship forward with intentionality and quite strength. It scares me a little how much I like him. I'm scared of how hurt I could get, of how disappointed I could be if this doesn't work out. I wonder when the other shoe will drop, and I'll be forced to reconcile my intuition with what I want so badly. Stay tuned.