I feel like my heart has just...died. Is it possible for a heart to morph into a brick? To try and try and fail. Try and then fail. It's almost impossible to keep the faith in love alive. How do others do it? It seems like the hardest, most difficult thing in the world to me- to love someone. Truly love them all that they are, without wanting or hoping for change- but I guess there has to be a complementary element to it.

Brad and I complemented at one time until we didn't anymore. The relationship changed. And then my heart became a cold stone in my chest that sits so heavily. I went through a lot- we both did. I placed faith in our relationship, that we could withstand our own weaknesses and come out on top and stronger. But there has to be a will to do that. There has to be fight to do that. I used to fight for my relationships, and I fought hard, like "I'm NOT giving up, this is too special, too important to me..." With all of my boyfriends, really. I tried hard up until the very end. Until I lost my faith in that person and in us.

Brad (II) still wanted to try, still saw me as a special, most important person- enough to risk it all again. But I still had a lot of fear, a lot of uncertainties. I didn't know anymore if I wanted to keep fighting. Because what kind of future am I fighting for now? A manipulative, violent one? A large part of me stopped believing in him, that he would stay changed, stay better. I didn't believe the peace would last. Even when a small storm would hit, I jumped overboard to save myself- even if it meant swimming on my own. I felt like prey when we fight. I feared our fights. I've never experienced actual fear with anyone. No bullies, no abusive relative, no one. Before it would even happen, my body would tense, and I'd immediately want to just cry right there. I've lost my will, I've lost my fight. Doesn't feel like me.