exist

Sometimes it just hits me, in a school cafeteria, or in class, at my desk. I suddenly feel unattached from my surroundings, look around, notice that everyone else was paying attention to the teacher, or doodling, or passing notes and whispering--and I would have my existential moment in utter loneliness and silence. I usually want to jump up and shout, "Hey, I exist!" but the fear of punishment kept me quiet. In the lunchroom, I'll say, "I'm having the funny feeling that I'm alive today." After high school, when I met a potential boyfriend, and we would be lying somewhere peaceful and sweet, I would ask him if he had ever felt himself existing. Like all time stops and everything in you become still though the rest of the universe keep moving, and there you are, just existing along, and you can do anything you want with this realization. A Buddhist might say to prolong the moment as long as possible, because it is a moment of perfect acuity and pure, a truth that cuts through the world.