Well, like I've always said- firsts are always difficult.
With every person, being an original, unique creature, crafted by Someone, so much larger and greater and more brilliant than myself- everyone is a first. I have to offer myself grace in this. I must learn to offer others grace in this. Having expectations are unavoidable, yes yes. Have them. But most importantly, having hope, holding hope gently in your heart, is unquestionably critical to living a great, full life, which I imagine is the goal. It's both the goal and the baffling, topsy-turvy, winding road of this absurd journey.
I'm embarking on something new and scary: this relationship of opposites attracting while also clashing. I talked to a client today, as she sat on her bed, about the fear of living a sober life. A life where she is forced to sit with herself and feel feelings again. I can relate as I'm reconciling myself with the vulnerability of having feelings again too. I'm realizing exactly how much baggage I'm truly touting around with me, hoarding these old memories and experiences and relationships. I'm not really sure what I need to let go of.
In order to help foster the growth of my new relationship, what needs to be discarded? What isn't useful to me anymore? "Eat the chicken, and spit out the bones," said a supervisor of mine once, years ago. Take what you need, and toss out the rest.
I told this guy, "I want to know what's important to you." This comes with a price, this knowledge of a person. They're no longer an idea or a fantasy. And oh, I do love that fantasy. I can spin the most sprawling fictions, creating something from nothing. A gift and a curse.
My thoughts aren't connecting tonight, but oh well.
Goal for the night. Pump the breaks, be present in the moment, look up and see the flashing stars in the night sky and welcome all with these crazy firsts with the gratitude of open arms.
