Journaling through the Negative

 

When I’m struggling (with new, conflicting information), I have a hard time keeping perspective. I’m overloaded with emotions that I’m trying to quickly sort through, burying some of them, while expressing others. I don’t really have the emotional distance to get that perspective to articulate how I’m feeling in a way that’s respectful.

I was using that reptile brain, and I’m responding in visceral type of way. I was shocked; I didn’t see that coming…AT ALL. So, there’s anxiety around that—being surprised by your partner’s past, when you thought you knew all or most of it.

Nathan is a great boyfriend. He’s been a great boyfriend for all of these months. We’ve had so many fun experiences, laughs, happy moments, and huge, long talks for hours. His past is in his past. Just because Brad chose to keep in touch with other women outside of our relationship, does not mean that Nathan will do that. We’ve been open and transparent with each other, his phone is always open to show his messages and snaps from people. He does not keep in touch with exes on the socials. He is not vindicative or manipulative or controlling or needy or resentful or angry. He is secure. He wants this relationship. I’ve met his family, extended family, family friends, cousins, Nashville and Maine friends. He’s posted about me on social media and changed our relationship status on Facebook for everyone to see. He’s excited and proud of being with me. He’s affectionate, kisses me in public, kisses me at volleyball tournaments, concerts, and bar, and has even kissed and canoodled me in front of girls that he has also kissed- he’s unwavering in his love for me and has never once questioned it. Except for in the midst of a Tesla panic attack, where he felt he couldn't live up to being my boyfriend due to work and stress. He said it was momentary and he didn't even come close to acting on it. He hasn’t voiced doubts in us, even when I have. He's told me his deepest secrets, opened up, and showed so much vulnerability. I know that isn't easy for him. 

On Wednesday, he snapped me early in the morning saying that he was available to get lunch with me. He knew that we wouldn’t be seeing each other until Friday evening, so he wanted to make sure that he sliced out a little time for me. It was only coffee, but I appreciated the effort, and it was really good seeing him- even just checking in. He said that he loved me when we kissed goodbye outside of the Well. He asked me why I didn’t have a good day yesterday, and was probably worried that he was the cause of it. And he was. It was an emotionally raw day. I was deep in my feelings, which were living in this past weekend. I wonder if he’s still living there, too? Or if he’s moved on because Sunday was fun and carefree and I think it was what we needed, given out emotional night.

How do we accept the past of our partners? Nathan was singling and mingling as a new Nashvillian, coming from small town Maine, with all of these new cute, volleyballs girls as potentially girlfriends. In the same way that he pursued me, he pursued them.  So, of course, he was out and about. Same as I was when I got to Nashville at 25. He’s also younger than me, crushing on everyone, which I also did when I first got into the vball scene. It’s not as if forgiveness is needed. He was living his life. And it could be so much worse, too.

He's a good boy. I’m just crazy. And I think I just worry already about being a little ancillary in his life. And not special. So, having knowledge of all of these other girls, floating around, just makes me feel even more, like, not special. I’m just another chick that he made out with a bar. BUT! He crushed on me before, asked me out, got to know me, he approached me. He asked me to be exclusive. He asked me to be his girlfriend. He has been leading this relationship forward. He even said that he considers our relationship to be serious to Chase, so we are good. We are fine. He said I love you first before I was going to say it. He bought me souvenirs, he brought me to Maine and took me everywhere. He said he always wanted a girlfriend that was athletic like me. He said I was incredibly gorgeous, that he likes my eyes and hips and butt and boobs, he said I'm cute and smart, touches me constantly, reassures my insecurities. Just let the love in, Amanda. Don't sabotage this one. Give it a chance.