I feel like me and graham's relationship has the lifespan of one month. I'm totally fine, everything's going gooood, and then BOOM. Something happens that triggers a meltdown. It usually coincides with my period and involves a dash of alcohol. I've been trying so hard and doing so well with my communicating, as I mentioned on sunday, I've actually felt proud of myself the last couple of weeks. Like, for once, I was the model of the perfect girlfriend.
however, one too many Peroni's, and it goes to shit. but after all my hard work and model perfection, i'm not sure if this one is completely my fault or whether i should look into as something more...bigger...relationship ending. how does a person know when to leave a relationship? i've considered the pro/con list, i've looked at a website that listed the ingredients to an unhealthy relationship, but, at the same time...this is me and graham. i feel like our situation is more complex and layered than what can be summated on a list.
i'm dragging today. i feel a heavy hangover, as always, and i'm not sure what to do in my relationship. i love the kid, but are my needs being met? i've never thought about it before now. i'm so used to surrendering to the blame, that i often forget that graham is not always perfect either. and in this particular situation, he needed to fulfill my one communication need. just simply respond. make me feel important to you. I've done everything right this week. but he came up short, and i'm not happy with that. it's unacceptable when i've been trying so hard.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
so much love on our little blogosphere today. too bad i have to chime in with a message of hate, distrust, and, above all, theft....of my nearest and dearest....clothes. from my own blood, no less. my little whittle baby sister.
i'm currently researching "closet locks." realizing that i came to this conclusion too late. she has already stolen my new grove dress, taken it to air for its first time like a newborn baby. well, she has taken her last cookie from my closet, so beautifully organized and molded to my specificities like pygmalion sculpting the statue that he'd eventually fall in love with. No more, I say. Julia shall rue the day she ever looked into my palace of style. she shall face my fiery wrath when mom brings her home from school.
number 1: why is she wearing my dressy dress that i bought for no less than $56 dollars (not included tax!) to fuhreaking school. it's not meant for that! it has a sheer back for god's sake...
number 2: FINALLY. i'm at a point in my life when i can afford the good things in life. my invitation to "the finer things club" has been received and i've RSVPed. now, i have a 15 year old sneaking into my holy grail of a wardrobe to steal my SHIT! Nope. No more.
number 3: it is thankless. because she takes without asking, i never even get a thank you. and that sucks. my entire life i've heard that being a parent is a "thankless job." and i definitely see that now.
i'm currently researching "closet locks." realizing that i came to this conclusion too late. she has already stolen my new grove dress, taken it to air for its first time like a newborn baby. well, she has taken her last cookie from my closet, so beautifully organized and molded to my specificities like pygmalion sculpting the statue that he'd eventually fall in love with. No more, I say. Julia shall rue the day she ever looked into my palace of style. she shall face my fiery wrath when mom brings her home from school.
number 1: why is she wearing my dressy dress that i bought for no less than $56 dollars (not included tax!) to fuhreaking school. it's not meant for that! it has a sheer back for god's sake...
number 2: FINALLY. i'm at a point in my life when i can afford the good things in life. my invitation to "the finer things club" has been received and i've RSVPed. now, i have a 15 year old sneaking into my holy grail of a wardrobe to steal my SHIT! Nope. No more.
number 3: it is thankless. because she takes without asking, i never even get a thank you. and that sucks. my entire life i've heard that being a parent is a "thankless job." and i definitely see that now.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Monday, October 10, 2011
hey, all!
sital's post inspired me to post-up on my life, as of late, which has consisted of working, grad-schools, and last week, sital's momentous visit back home, to the heart of her young adult life.
and it was wonderful. and what was most wonderful, was how we all made time to be together. sophie set aside time from her busy work and social schedule to be with old friends from yesteryears. ashlee stopped over to lunch it up, and even though it was only a couple hours, her presence made it truly complete. you can't get those sarcastic one-liners anywhere else. and, of course, there is sital...the commander and chief, so glad and refreshing to find someone with her honesty, ambition, energy, and passion.
seeing you guys this last week has reinvigorated my spirit. i feel happy. happy in all aspects. i've started listening to musicals (an american in paris, singin' in the rain, the drowsy chaperone) again, so you know times are good. i feel like sex and the city's miranda, "i love my friends, i love my life, I love my job." i really like my job, i'm good at it, and i'm quickly becoming a necessity. but, i don't want to do this all my life. i want to be a PROFESSIONAL. and i'm finally on my way. i recently heard this on a TV show, the main character said, "...i was in a really dark place in my life,...like, applying for grad schools dark..." and YES. it's a dark place. you're unsure and your life is sorta on PAUSE. and your entire future lies in the hands of a graduate committee, who assesses your worth, judging you against other people who are probably equally good at school and just as competitive (otherwise, they wouldn't be applying). However, I'm still optimistic because I'm finally doing it. I've spent the last two years, thinking about how I need to apply to grad schools, that need write that personal statement and save my money up and retake the GRE. this whole summer i've sat on my ass, studying and thinking and worrying...instead of beginning. And now i have begun and I'm going to finish this. Even if i get into only one school, it doesn't matter, because I'm still getting somewhere, using my degree and fulfilling a long-time dream. I'll get a good job, move out of my parents' house, and make a healthy salary, be worth something more than a waitress or associate. As high as my expectations are for myself, I think others, my friends and family, have even higher expectations for me, which I used to see it as a burden...but it's actually awesome. that everyone believes so much in me. So, I guess I'll top this post off with a cherry...thanks, everyone, for your constant support.
sital's post inspired me to post-up on my life, as of late, which has consisted of working, grad-schools, and last week, sital's momentous visit back home, to the heart of her young adult life.
and it was wonderful. and what was most wonderful, was how we all made time to be together. sophie set aside time from her busy work and social schedule to be with old friends from yesteryears. ashlee stopped over to lunch it up, and even though it was only a couple hours, her presence made it truly complete. you can't get those sarcastic one-liners anywhere else. and, of course, there is sital...the commander and chief, so glad and refreshing to find someone with her honesty, ambition, energy, and passion.
seeing you guys this last week has reinvigorated my spirit. i feel happy. happy in all aspects. i've started listening to musicals (an american in paris, singin' in the rain, the drowsy chaperone) again, so you know times are good. i feel like sex and the city's miranda, "i love my friends, i love my life, I love my job." i really like my job, i'm good at it, and i'm quickly becoming a necessity. but, i don't want to do this all my life. i want to be a PROFESSIONAL. and i'm finally on my way. i recently heard this on a TV show, the main character said, "...i was in a really dark place in my life,...like, applying for grad schools dark..." and YES. it's a dark place. you're unsure and your life is sorta on PAUSE. and your entire future lies in the hands of a graduate committee, who assesses your worth, judging you against other people who are probably equally good at school and just as competitive (otherwise, they wouldn't be applying). However, I'm still optimistic because I'm finally doing it. I've spent the last two years, thinking about how I need to apply to grad schools, that need write that personal statement and save my money up and retake the GRE. this whole summer i've sat on my ass, studying and thinking and worrying...instead of beginning. And now i have begun and I'm going to finish this. Even if i get into only one school, it doesn't matter, because I'm still getting somewhere, using my degree and fulfilling a long-time dream. I'll get a good job, move out of my parents' house, and make a healthy salary, be worth something more than a waitress or associate. As high as my expectations are for myself, I think others, my friends and family, have even higher expectations for me, which I used to see it as a burden...but it's actually awesome. that everyone believes so much in me. So, I guess I'll top this post off with a cherry...thanks, everyone, for your constant support.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
sitcom life
I watch a lot of sitcoms. It's one of the manifold distractions I use to get through my days. I work out, chaffing my most private of areas in spin classes, falling out from my headstands in yoga, completely disrupting the chi of the room. I shop (but rarely buy), I Facebook (and really need to cut back), and I work. I love my work, I only wish there was more of it. I feel important, that I do, in some tiny way, make a difference. I completely styled a girl for her first Homecoming. From earrings to dress to shoes to how her hair should look. After all that, I want pictures!
Anyway, I digress. I wish my life were like "How I Met Your Mother" or "The Old Adventures of New Christine" or "Happy Endings" (new obsession). I'm fascinated by the fights of these shows. When Graham and I fight, it's ugly and inarticulate and, quite frankly, it usually involves one of us (usually me) bawling. On sitcoms. it's entertaining and quippy. They fight with smart punches, they fight standing up, looking at each other dead-on in the face. When Graham and I argue, I recall looking away, cravenly, staring out the passenger seat window. Or it's in a dark bedroom, at the end of the night, and we can't see one another's hurt faces. Is he crying...?
Why can't my life be a sitcom? It's so crisp and clean. Of course, I'm aware of the impossibility, that life isn't performed in front of a live studio audience. There's no laugh-track. And, most apparent, life's not scripted. But I still SO want to believe that I can live a sitcom life. Maybe if I concentrate hard enough on the TV show, memorize every detail, the dialogue and situation will eventually sink-in to my own very real, TOO real, life.
Anyway, I digress. I wish my life were like "How I Met Your Mother" or "The Old Adventures of New Christine" or "Happy Endings" (new obsession). I'm fascinated by the fights of these shows. When Graham and I fight, it's ugly and inarticulate and, quite frankly, it usually involves one of us (usually me) bawling. On sitcoms. it's entertaining and quippy. They fight with smart punches, they fight standing up, looking at each other dead-on in the face. When Graham and I argue, I recall looking away, cravenly, staring out the passenger seat window. Or it's in a dark bedroom, at the end of the night, and we can't see one another's hurt faces. Is he crying...?
Why can't my life be a sitcom? It's so crisp and clean. Of course, I'm aware of the impossibility, that life isn't performed in front of a live studio audience. There's no laugh-track. And, most apparent, life's not scripted. But I still SO want to believe that I can live a sitcom life. Maybe if I concentrate hard enough on the TV show, memorize every detail, the dialogue and situation will eventually sink-in to my own very real, TOO real, life.
Monday, September 5, 2011
hey, guys
Well, being a person who graduated from Ole Miss, I couldn't not leave without having heard, read, researched, loved the works of the late, great Barry Hannah. I've only this week begun his book of short stories "High Lonesome" and its great. I wish I could write with such detailed, yet simplistic honesty. Here are some examples. And I'm mostly composing this blog for myself, so I can remember and use these words and expressions in my day-to-day life.
"He might have been something caught in the forest and detained for study, like a white deer missing its ilk, because he was sad and in love and greatly confused."
"Pal was a gangling youth of superfluous IQ already experiencing vile depressions. His brain made him feel constantly wicked but he relieved himself through botany and manic dilettantism."
"For the others, the wine went down like a ruined orchard, acid to the heart, where a ball of furred heat made them reminiscent of serious acts never acted, women never had."
"She had a clean face and new shoes."
"I wanted to explain to him how important friendship was in this cold universe."
"What I admire is anguish, casual faith, clothes, poise, and minor disaster, or the promise of it. I like the most lifted a little. The pride of exemption, yet terror in solitude. This is a busy concept."
"I am slow. I am windy. I have so little vision, engaged in this discourtesy length and interminable excuse, but seeing bits of light here and there ahead."
"There's never really time to develop one's ambitions. They just throw you out there and you grab on to something handy like an amateur, in terror.
"Whosoever you are, be that person with all your might. Time goes by faster than we thought. It is a thief so quiet. You must let yourself be loved and you must love, part of you that never loved must be opened and love. You must announce yourself in all particulars so you have yourself."
"He might have been something caught in the forest and detained for study, like a white deer missing its ilk, because he was sad and in love and greatly confused."
"Pal was a gangling youth of superfluous IQ already experiencing vile depressions. His brain made him feel constantly wicked but he relieved himself through botany and manic dilettantism."
"For the others, the wine went down like a ruined orchard, acid to the heart, where a ball of furred heat made them reminiscent of serious acts never acted, women never had."
"She had a clean face and new shoes."
"I wanted to explain to him how important friendship was in this cold universe."
"What I admire is anguish, casual faith, clothes, poise, and minor disaster, or the promise of it. I like the most lifted a little. The pride of exemption, yet terror in solitude. This is a busy concept."
"I am slow. I am windy. I have so little vision, engaged in this discourtesy length and interminable excuse, but seeing bits of light here and there ahead."
"There's never really time to develop one's ambitions. They just throw you out there and you grab on to something handy like an amateur, in terror.
"Whosoever you are, be that person with all your might. Time goes by faster than we thought. It is a thief so quiet. You must let yourself be loved and you must love, part of you that never loved must be opened and love. You must announce yourself in all particulars so you have yourself."
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