These days...

At 1:00, I'm doing something that I can hardly fathom. I'm pressing charges against the rock climbing facility responsible for my ankle break. Basically it's "premises liability" case; I don't want to take the place for all their worth, I just want my medical expenses paid. I gave up my job a month ago, and won't be able to work until after December. Maybe something extra for that, too.

The place should not be up and running. Where are the safety codes? I was on the beginner's section, a part were there was no matting. If they aren't going to provide a harness to secure me to the wall and from falling, there MUST be matting to soften the falls. It's if someone sold you a car, saying you'll be safe from harm, but there aren't any seat belts,...oh, and you only get half an airbag.

I did call the owner, to see if his insurance would be willing to pay what my insurance wouldn't cover, and he was less than receptive. He was not sympathetic, he was not apologetic. He actually brushed me off like an annoyance. I tried explaining what this break was to me. It's cost me my job, my mobility for three months, countless hours of sleep, a strong possibility of early-onset arthritis, and over $5,000 in medical bills. And there is a 20%-30% chance of AVN, which is a serious condition where the blood supply to the foot stops, and the bone dies. Equalling more surgeries. The talus is a super critical part of the ankle; it holds most the body's weight, and is the passageway for the ankle's blood flow. So, not only will I be paying off my accumulated student loan interest while graduate school, I'll have to be gradually paying off my medical bills, as well...all while not being able to work for six months.

This can't happen. I have to protect myself.

Anyway, I'm trying not to stress. My lawyer said that he's looked over my signed waiver and said that I have a good, good chance of winning this case. The waiver was a standard carbon-copy print-out, and said that most of these kinds of waivers are not as legally binding as one might think. I hope he's right. Wish me luck/pray for me today!

Our brief love.

I hate sleep. I don't get nearly enough and when I do, I just dream about Graham. And then I wake up and feel like shit for two hours, until Mad Men puts me back to sleep. And really, Don Draper's cheating shenanigans do not pacify me at all. 

I called him this morning. I just can't accept the silence or the defeat. It's such a unfortunate/fortunate aspect of my character. I just can't let a dead horse lie...er, lay? I've done this before...the back-pedaling, the apologizing, and then I make up some new terms to the relationship and hope for the best, tightly crossing my fingers and toes. 

I know this is naive, but I at least wanted to try the enhanced long-distance with him. I wanted to say that we tried everything. I want to put the bad parts behind us and really begin anew, with full trust and a super abundance of love. I want to be overwhelmed with love. And forgiving. And trust that we will be together when we can, and even be together when we can't. We stopped saying I love you's months ago, I think we feared that vulnerability. We had to harden our hearts, look away more, and distance ourselves from this fast-approaching future. 

But if we could start again, re-commit ourselves to the fullest, most passionate love-affair ever, I would give it a try. Be as open as we were at 22.

When he left me last Wednesday, we parted with "See you soon." I watched him leave. Then I stood in the guest room, where we'd lived, slept, laughed, and loved. I was alone again. With only 2 cups, 2 forks, cake containers, bag of Cheetos, his towel,...the reminders of what was, who left just a few minutes ago. Taking so much of my happiness with him. Our brief love. Saying "See you soon," and I returned with "See you later, alligator," that's the most that our future ever extended. And at this point, I'll take that. 

GUYS! I just went through a TON of old letters from 2005-2007. Such strong, wonderful friendships. There was this palpable, abundance of love between all of us, such support and pride and pure, youthful goodness.

 A part of me wants to go back to that time. Is it too late? Has life thrown me too many punches for me to ever feel that sweet, sweet hope again? I really hope not. But, either way, that true goodness was in me ONCE! Just reading those letters lifted my low spirits off the ground and soaring.

 Today began as a bad day. One of the worst in awhile, but I guess it's up to me to pull myself from the pitty stupid doldrums. However, I'm in the most terrible time of my life right now. I'm waiting. Waiting waiting waiting. Waiting freaking sucks; it sucks more than the actual disappointment. And there is nowhere for me to go, and very few ways to distract myself. I have all these pressing worries, that I can't do anything to expedite because I'm waiting for OTHER people to get back to ME. What if they never do?

 I need to apologize to my sister, I've been a monster today. I don't mean to be, I 'm just stressed and have no outlets. I used to work out my frustrations at the gym or busy myself at work. Those are no longer my options, so now I dwell until very late at night. I can't sleep and I wake up at seven am every day, which only makes my boring, crappy days even longer.

 This must be what depression feels like. An overwhelming sadness, that cannot be ignored, I feel worthless. I feel crippled physically and crippled spiritually. And nothing can make me feel better. While I wasn't looking, Life punched me in face, really really hard. I feel broken.

It never ceases to amaze me the amount of drama and change I can bring in to my life. Things are difficult, let's have a fight! I am held up with a broken foot, trying to get my school shit figured out, aaand then I find myself fighting with my boyfriend, who less than a week ago lit up my world by coming to visit my crippled self. I don't know if this is a problem that can be simply fixed. I miss the days of just say, "I'm sorry" could work as a feasible solution. But I guess it doesn't hurt to try. I make mistakes, I'm no perfect person, but I do have my whole life to learn. I don't like conflict, but sometimes I look for it to find the answers. I do something, and then wait and watch the reaction, like a little, stupid relationship scientist. I'm moving soon. My world is shifting to another place, another phase. I'm ready to reclaim my independence and maybe, possibly grow personally through the hardship. I'll be a crippled girl in a new town, with no idea what to expect. There will be moments of loneliness and times of gladness and fullness. I hope that I am able to truly breathe deeply and feel the fullness of my life. Feel, explore, and experience the change within myself, as I immerse myself in this education and the true beginning of my real career. Last night, I was trying to think of some event in my childhood that makes me so scared of being vulnerable. Why I feel like I need to protect myself all the time. Why I have this heavy mistrust of men. Maybe its something my parents displaced on to me.

SO. It's been a while, bloggie! Things are changing soon and I'm scared. It's strange how I'm just assuming that I'm gonna like this town, that I'll be accepted and loved there. You know, I didn't like Oxford at first either. I was regretful and wondering if it was too late to transfer to Mississippi College. But that's not an option. I need to be brave and accept challenges with excitement and enthusiasm. Moving to a new town, new school, new job, new home, new people. I'm going to get overwhelmed, I will feel lost and alone sometimes. Please be there for me. Don't let the Nashville hipsters eat me alive.

"Listen, are you breathing just a little, and calling it a life?" - Mary Oliver

The greatest gift of love is the gesture of open arms--let come what comes--not because you don't care, or because you hope to steel yourself against the pain, but because you care so much that you are helpless to do anything else. And you accept the cost, the inevitable blow to the heart. It's better in this life, after all, for the heart to be broken--to take on the rich, the tender vulnerability of being human, than not.

"What will survive of us is love." - Phillip Larkin

Graham and I experienced what I'll state simply- gradual differences of life purpose and direction. I've always shined my light on the human capacity to truly love, but I have to accept the way life moves and has its own intelligence, and accept the reality that we are never entirely in control of the way things go. It's hard to resist the urge to hold on, not wanting to let that precious feeling go.

Suffering is a part of how it is on earth; it is an inherent part of the fabric of existence. And if we are lucky, it will break our hearts open. And the heart of love is truly openness. We let everything in and through, willing to feel more rather than less, even if it rocks our very foundations. That's very easy to say, not so easy to do. But we have a lifetime of practice. A goodbye is essentially a deepening acceptance of life as it is instead of what it was or what we may have wanted it to be.

William Blake urges us to "catch a winged moment as it flies."
In the poem "The God Abandons Anthony," the poet urges Anthony not to turn away from the beauty of the music, but to turn toward it; to take in the full impact of the loss he is going to sustain; to be willing to listen--"to the exquisite music of that strange procession, and say goodbye to her, to the Alexandria you are leaving. " To say goodbye with all our heart, is to turn a parting into a blessing. God be with you--goodbye means.

And isn't that what we're here for? To bless the savor of this precious moment even as it slips through our fingers? To allow its sorrow, its joy, its silence or laughter into our life and add a measure to who we are?

my resolution.

sooo many things are calling my name. it's tough when you have so many passions, it seems like its best to just respond to the opportunities handed to you. play the cards that you're given. i'm ready to live recklessly, as Claire Gipson proclaims. i'm ready to give up the fantasy of a future with my one-time, maybe still, boyfriend. it's cool. don't worry about me, people. graham and i's lives are very separate, and have been for nine months, but that doesn't mean the love ever faded. i envy some people's relationships, not the closeness or the chemistry, graham and I had that. I envy the ease of it. graham and i chose a hard path for a young relationship. long distance and high stress. but i'm not allowing the stress to get to me this year. my new year's resolution is to relax and, really, play the cards that i've been dealt. i do believe that the most successful people are those that see the opportunities and take them. that's what i'm doing in 2012. live recklessly. play the cards. go with my gut....oh and get an Usher 6-pack.