As I listen to Ariana Grande croon about her newest love affair, engagement, and the sweetness of new love, I ponder yet another ending of mine. It's very unlike any of my past breakups that felt like an event, a catastrophe, you know, filled with confusion and old memories that tug at my cracked-up heart.

This one, is not sudden, not clean, and it feels so necessary for my personal health and entire life. This relationship was being pushed, shoved, forward and onward by our individual hopes. I so badly want to have that beautiful stability and security and sense of family that's forever and long-lasting and it felt so close, finally. We were living together. I've always wanted to live with a boyfriend. It always seemed so grown-up, so practical and modern and cool. Living Together was practically a marriage, but younger and just one piece of paper away! I was almost married. We were a true we. If I went somewhere, the inevitable question was, "where's brad?" Because I'm tied so closely, so intrinsically connected, it's assumed that I know everything about him, including where he is at all times. His companionship was assumed and he was tied to me.

Now, as we attempt to disconnect, I'm alone for the first time in two years. I'm alone in my decisions, my future, career, finances,...what do I want? For now, I just want to be disentangled from something that I've stopped believing in. He was infuriated that I wasn't speaking, just staring at him, as he impassioned his diatribe about whatever, us? him? my faults? if I've ever cared about him?....I had nothing to say, which is odd for me. I've usually fought for us, him, or at least for myself. Now, I just don't care. I feel exhausted with the weekly wrestling with this relationship that I continually fuck up. It's like every month a new fault is discovered about me that sparks another awful break-up, where I'm left crying in my car, in his car, in my cubicle, in bathrooms, everywhere. We've been through this, through all the heartaches, the negotiations, the splitting of assets and family members- I've been hurt so. many. times. by this man. I told my friend Angie, that I've been broken up with MORE TIMES in this relationship- than ALL OF MY PAST RELATIONSHIPS COMBINED. And why? For this stupid hope for a future, because everything was more fun with him, because he made me laugh all the time, because I finally had a team mate in this fucking world? It makes me very to sad to think that this is my love story. Our love story that rusted and tarnished, died like tiny fly on the windowsill. We completely fucked it up.  It's gotten so bad that I'm willing to lose all of that, empty out all the love and fun and partnership, lose my super cool *living with my lover* situation- but only by completely emptying out, can I refill my life.

I've learned that words have the potential to inflict a lot of damage. I've had harsh words thrown at me, time and again, in my relationship. And although these opinions and feelings feel so good leaving the person who says them, it's a release----the other individual, then, must keep and hold those harsh opinions and feelings.

I was told that I was basically selfish in my relationship. Because I didn't do my share of the chores, laundry, dishes, cleaning, I don't do anything extra in my relationship. I don't do anything beyond what's expected of me or asked of me. That's a harsh opinion of who I am. Very hard not to fight this sort of statement. So, now, I have these fresh insights on who I am. What do I do with them? Do I believe them and change? Do I fight them and stay the same? There is no non-action, there's no neutral. I kinda felt like fighting this opinion, while also changing. However, that opinion is still harsh, and it still hurts.

I'm having real trouble deciding if I want to stay in this relationship. I mean, what's the point, if I'm terrible? If I'm selfish? If I'm resistant? If my actions make him angry, irritated, or frustrated, why should we continue? Maybe we aren't compatible at all. His harsh deliveries aren't effective on me, but he knows no other way. I need softer, more direct statements. I'm very good at directions, but reading behind people's passive aggressiveness or humor (where there's some truth) is difficult for me in such a busy and full world and schedule. I'm very sensitive, but I'm also over-sensitized to a point of numbness. By the end of the day, I just want his warm body to hold me and let me dream.

I'm very confused in my feelings, and I guess that's where I'm uncertain of my decision. I know it's primarily mine, which gives me a sense of fear. To be single again. I give up this person, this life, his family, that peace and love and companionship and that future. I really did enjoy my life with him. I think we could have been happy for a long time if he allowed it. We could have been very, very, very orgasmically, awesomely, wonderfully, divinely, fucking happy. That's probably the shittiest part. That loss of potential that you know is there, just sitting there, waiting, but it's underneath SO. MUCH. dirt.

It’s a break-up, ladies and gentlemen. I guess you could call or consider it that. I hate being the one to pull the cord on a relationship. It goes against every fiber of who I am. I’m always willing to fight for someone I love, to put everything and every part of my heart at risk. And we took a risk. A big one, being friends. I’m still trying to figure out if that risk was worth it. In every relationship, I just tear it to pieces. I bust it on the ground. This precious, precious beautiful relationship- like a damn baby that I just wanna cuddle and kiss and coo all day and night. So pure and wonderful and doting and obsessive. I rot it out. I sabotage it. I fuck it up. I jam a stick of dynamite up its ass and light the fuse. And then stand back and watch the quick flash of fire and then the slow burn.What the fuck is wrong with me. Or is it the men I choose? These inexplicable projects, and challenges that I accept and try to make fit with me. Why do I even try anymore? I know the outcome already. Brad and I were both doing just dandy before we decided to get together. We were living our lives, separately but as friends. And then, we took something good and simple and easy, and somehow adding feelings and emotions and love to it, made it combust? How? How does loving someone more create such chaos? We added something good to something good. Shouldn't that make it better?

Yes. However, as something gets better and better, I guess there's more and more to potentially lose. People get scared when their vulnerability and trust is on the line and they start prepping for a battle that may not even be there. They are in peaceful territory with AK-47s locked and loaded. We buckled under the heavy and serious challenge of loving each other and having a life together. It was too difficult, or we weren't brave enough to say, "Let's put it all on the line. Breaking up will never be the option again."  We were too reckless with it and with each other's hearts. And now we are left with the shards of a relationship, lying limp and dead on the pavement. What do we do with what remains? How do we grow and learn from so much sadness and disappointment and hurt? How do we overcome?  What we were so scared of happening...happened. We were so afraid of the idea of losing each other that we forced to happen. We pushed ourselves off a cliff with hands held, and now we are at the bottom, broken apart, and I'm left here alone crying in my cubicle. 

Upon entering a new relationship

Well, like I've always said- firsts are always difficult.

With every person, being an original, unique creature, crafted by Someone, so much larger and greater and more brilliant than myself- everyone is a first. I have to offer myself grace in this. I must learn to offer others grace in this. Having expectations are unavoidable, yes yes. Have them. But most importantly, having hope, holding hope gently in your heart, is unquestionably critical to living a great, full life, which I imagine is the goal. It's both the goal and the baffling, topsy-turvy, winding road of this absurd journey.

I'm embarking on something new and scary: this relationship of opposites attracting while also clashing. I talked to a client today, as she sat on her bed, about the fear of living a sober life. A life where she is forced to sit with herself and feel feelings again. I can relate as I'm reconciling myself with the vulnerability of having feelings again too. I'm realizing exactly how much baggage I'm truly touting around with me, hoarding these old memories and experiences and relationships. I'm not really sure what I need to let go of.

In order to help foster the growth of my new relationship, what needs to be discarded? What isn't useful to me anymore? "Eat the chicken, and spit out the bones," said a supervisor of mine once, years ago. Take what you need, and toss out the rest.

I told this guy, "I want to know what's important to you." This comes with a price, this knowledge of a person. They're no longer an idea or a fantasy. And oh, I do love that fantasy. I can spin the most sprawling fictions, creating something from nothing. A gift and a curse.

My thoughts aren't connecting tonight, but oh well.

Goal for the night. Pump the breaks, be present in the moment, look up and see the flashing stars in the night sky and welcome all with these crazy firsts with the gratitude of open arms. 

WKND

This weekend was like something out of a confusing movie, where there's plot turn after plot turn, and you're bewildered as hell, and everyone else is running about twenty feet behind you, yelling at you to keep going, keep going, keep going. So you do. You keep going. I kept going.

Now, it's Tuesday. And I thought it was Monday all day. I can't believe I've made it to the end of Tuesday. I'm a long processer, internalizing an experience and then laying it flat like a road map, unfolded, while I peer at it, squinting, to figure out where I took the wrong turn. However, it's not that simple. It wasn't one wrong turn or one bad decision, but about a zillion wrong feelings, urges that needed squashing, and patience lost completely.

Well, hm. Actually. Maybe with every thought that enters your mind, it comes with two decisions, two sidebars, two tree branches. You either act on the thought or you don't act on it. Maybe it is actually pretty simple, and I'm just too blind to want what's best for me.

But beneath that thought, before any action is ever taken, there's emotion that lives under the thought. It wakes the thought into life. Sometimes it's a soft, gentle, little voice that whispers, "Hey, check it out- this is affection. This is infatuation." Other times, emotion bangs on your heart like a gong, "You freakin' LOVE this person. HURRY UP." Both of these emotions feel so real, but how reliable are they? What does someone do with them? Do we believe our emotions?

Trying to make time to write!


The world is getting progressively more beautiful and alive around me. I feel energized and grateful for the change of seasons and pace. I've been making efforts to slow down, when I drive, when I walk, when I'm working, I make efforts to slow down my day. I ask myself, "Why am I rushing right now? I'm not running late." That grueling pace and pressure to GET THERE is the autopilot upon which I direct and my life. I feel that "JUST GET THERE" mentality in many areas of my life. The pressing need to finish up fast, meet the intended goal, and then continue to the next thing, without even a second glace back. Without a mention of thanks or job well down.

And don't get me wrong, it's not bad to be ambitious and driven, but I don't want to miss the journey. The world is beautiful around me, even in the backdrop of stress or traffic or hurry. And I guess that is sort of it: don't let stress control you, by allowing it to dictate your focus. You focus on what's important. Stress or whatever is causing the stress is not what's important. Whether money, a guy, a boss, or yourself, stress cannot overcome the good that's happening.

I'm slowly, gratefully settling into being 28, feeling 28, letting it sink into my soul and my bones. I feel many changes coming, good changes. I'm excited for my FOURTH summer in Nashville. It's pretty unbelievable that I've created a home here all on my own.